Captain of my Soul

Oh Life…. Is beautiful.. I console myself by chanting this sometimes.The truth could be quiet far from this, but the truth is we cannot stop, undo or cut paste your falling hair. Life goes on and as we are hounded by many weathers in life, many of them which overpowers our strength of will, our inner core and our strength to survive. We haze out in those doldrums and sometimes we succumb to those challenges. I guess there are times in all our lives when we stop living and we are forced into a situation where we compromise, we begin crumble to our knees and we start to battle between my purpose and the situation that just changed the course of our life. I have been a strong believer of faith, a purpose for everything that is happening to me, the universe conspiring and many things that we begin to believe as we grow wiser and stronger, something similar to coming to terms with the situation. But there are many times when I have thought that if the universe is conspiring on me, someone’s really wasting their time up there!
As I have come of age, and when I look back from where I began to where I am today, one thing that constantly comes to my mind. Is life all about a constant struggle to find that small piece of happiness, and then when we finally find that happiness, it lasts just for a moment and we start with the finding it all over again? Is there a permanent solution to this constant struggle? What does it take to be eternally happy, what does it take to finally realize that I have achieved all. In my effort to finally crack this code to happiness, I began to meet people, question them about happiness and life, struggles that they have gone through and their state of mind today.
And finally, have they achieved all, and is this sustainable for the years to come. At the end of it, when I heard everyone’s story, I realized that most the time, they spent telling me about the struggle they went through to find that happiness. So the major part of the life for almost everyone is the struggle, and as I am writing this, I know its true to all our lives! As a matter of fact, I realized that if I was to stay perennially happy, I think I will have a very short life! And at the end of it if I was asked to sum up my life, I will have noting much to say. Its these struggles in life and finally achieving what we need despite of these struggles, that makes life worthwhile and worth living. But not all the time, coz too much struggle can force us to become someone else or digress our aim in life. So what IS that one word, which is a weapon for our survival?
It’s the strength! Its that courage to face the deepest fears, the mighty power that lifts you up from the darkest fears or biggest fall, the vigor to challenge the darkest moments, the attitude to face them. Sometimes challenges in life can be summed up as a game of boxing. You know you are fighting someone who can blow you up, beat you down. The strength in life that I am talking about is similar to the fighter in you, that no matter how hard you are beaten up, no matter how intense was the blow, now matter how hard was his punch, when the countdown begins… are you able to get up and face your opponent before the countdown ends in ten! Is there a fighter in you that can challenge the mightiest? Life is tough to those who fear, life is beautiful to those who dare, its that simple! The stronger you are, the better you are coz you will live life to the fullest!

In order to find out the meaning of strength, I began to question people about what is the strength that you think you possess! And I had a very weird situation when I did so! Believe me, I almost gave up on this subject because I realized that the strength that I was talking about meant different for different individuals. And of course they are right, there are various ways of dealing with situations, there are various ways of dealing with how you want to fight it out!
Everyone has a different game plan! We all have our own understanding, our own capacity to face these challenges, I agree. But I just didn’t know how to put forth to few people that that was not the strength that I was talking about! Well, would you ever cut your hands with a knife to show how much your lover meant to you? Oh hell, I would not cut the dead chicken with a knife, how the hell do you want me to cut my own hands with a knife?! But look at his point of view… it needs strength to do that! Oh hell.. he is right! It needs strength to cut your own hands, I wouldn’t dare to do that and I would not encourage people to do that too, unless you are a doctor and you are certified to cut certain body parts under a strict guidance and infrastructure. But the point is, is that the strength we are talking about? It does need a certain amount of courage to jump off few floors from the tower when things go wrong, but that’s a weakness in you that gives you the strength to give up, there is a difference. What we are talking about is a fighter in you who does not give up in life from failure, the strength in you which brings that conviction to win, to survive, the invictus sole in you that will not falter. The attitude, the courage, the conviction in you that you will survive no matter what, that even when you fall down with consequences in life, you still have the assurance that you will stand up and fight it out no matter what. That’s the weapon in you that, if you discover and hold on to it, this will make you stronger, wiser and happier and mightier. If I have to sum up what’s the code to happiness, ironically it’s the strength to face the bitterness that leads you to happiness.

Happiness is never sustainable for more than few minutes, am joking! Consider yourself in a very happy state, I am not talking about happiness in an influence of alcohol or drugs or things like mozo or kaya. The very purpose all these influences, ironically again, is to seek that happiness, or that truth which you are not able to achieve on a normal state of mind. But the fact is, we don’t sustain happiness for a long time, and there is a reason behind it. Maybe its just true
with me, or maybe with you too.. its been a long time since I laughed my heart out! I don’t remember the last time, I seriously don’t. But I am constantly seeking a reason to do so, I am constantly working towards what makes me laugh, when I want to. So this makes me wonder,
sometimes, does having that strength or being stronger, mean that you are always unhappy? Being stronger person means that you have some quality in you which guide you towards a way out of a problem, no matter how big or small it is. It also means that you spend most of the time fighting those problems. Which also means that you are unhappy coz you are always fighting an issue? You are always in pursuit of that happiness, but what about happiness if you are constantly pursuing happiness? I really don’t have an answer to this, but the truth is, never giving up means that there is a better thing in store for you. Pursuing means thriving to achieve. Well, isn’t life all about thriving?

It’s a story about this old man who owned a crystal shop on the upcountry, am sure you know this story if you have read it somewhere. He lived his life trying to earn money to go to Mecca someday when he earns enough. Fortunate to for him, his business boomed, he had a lot of client who came up to him to buy his crystal from far off places, and he finally earned a lot of money. He had aged a lot doing so, it was time to finally fulfill his dream of going to Mecca, but he changed his mind. He decided not to go to Mecca, guess why? Because he will have no dream to pursuit if he fulfills this one! Sometimes life is an endless pursuit to happiness, to dream, that one day when we achieve them, we will have nothing left to live with. Well its just my thought, whether we are born for a reason or we are born because of a bad decision by our parents, the fact is we are born and we deserve the best. Each one of us are born for a reason, and nobody knows that reason, not even you are aware of it. And I don’t think you should know the reason why you are born because if you do, its like reading a book of which you already know the plot, or watching a movie of which you already know the story.. how boring will that be! But that’s the suspense of life that keeps us wondering, is this the reason for my existence, or will I finally know today whats my purpose in life? I don’t know if I will finally know it in my death bed, that’s if I have a good death and not accidental death. But I guess it doesn’t matter, as long as we have the strength to survive, conviction to face any situations, integrity to people who matters the
most, and passion for life itself. To sum this up, the only thing that’s coming to my mind is a poem by William Ernest Henley which has touched my soul and here is how it :

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be, For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance, My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears, Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years, Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.